The 13 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen.

Last night the awesome Miss Emily Ryan-Davis linked me up with a website called The Spoony Experiment. There are several things that are fascinating on that site given that you're able to ignore his propensity to curse like someone with a bad case of Turrets Syndrome. But I got distracted for hours reading his reviews of movies he hated. None of my movies are the same but that got me thinking of a list so here it is.

These are my personal hates which are not likely to mirror yours so no getting offended. :) These are in no particular order except for number one which really is my most hated movie of all time.

1. Titanic. Ugh, this supposed masterpiece was a titanic waste of my time and dollars. It was so long that most men probably had to shave in the middle and when it was over I left thinking, "Well there's ten hours I'll never get back." I didn't even mind the money lost. It was more like the amount of good minutes I could have spent doing something more pleasurable, like burning my inner thighs with cigarettes. I will admit that this movie is beautiful cinematic-wise and maybe if I'd otherwise had no idea what was going on I would have enjoyed it more. Sort of like literature class. Mainly though, it had a ridiculous plot, bad acting and trite dialog. Kate Winslet's Rose was the most annoying thing in this flick in I was left with the strong impression that she was just in the mood to go slumming and she would have done the horizontal mambo with any joe from below deck. As it was Leonardo DiCaprio (One of the men who wouldn't have had to shave during the length of this movie) was the lucky stiff. They fall in love instantly and for no particular reason and after proclaiming her undying love and jettisoning his frozen body into the ocean she spends the rest of her life, which includes a marriage and children, longing for the guy she knew FOR THREE DAYS. WTH? She dies and instead of going to be with the person with whom she lived for fifty years and had children and a life and a history she goes back to the lightly calloused hands of her working class stiff that she loved for less time then the average menses. Ugh.

2. Pearl Harbor. I watched this movie and was far more interested in the lives of the people on the the ship, I believe it was the USS Arizona than I was in the main characters. Affleck, Hartnett and Beckinsale are the worst love triangle ever known to man stumbling along destroying any actual possibility of enjoying this piece of crap on almost any level. Affleck and Beckinsale fall in love, again for no particularly compelling reason and make out a lot. Then Bennie takes a dive and disappears. So what's a girl to do at that point but make it with his best friend even though she's been, apparently arbitrarily refusing to have sex with Affleck prior to this point. After doing it in an airplane hanger she gets a little bun in the oven. Affleck suddenly and rather unmiraculously returns from the dead and then what is a slutty WWII nurse to do? But don't you worry your pretty little heads. Hartnett's clueless character goes to that big airplane hanger in the sky leaving these two losers behind to raise his poor defenseless child who will have two of the stupidest parents ever known to man. But on the plus side this movie is another venue to give Cuba Gooding Jr. a chance to do what he does, cry on camera. Rock on man. Rock on. I'm crying too.

3. Meet Joe Black. I ain't gonna lie. The most watchable part of this movie is when Brad Pitt's character gets munched by a moving vehicle. I laughed so hard that I thought the other people in the theater were going to come out and lynch me. But to be honest that was the best job I've ever seen Brad Pitt do in a movie. How odd that it should be the movie where he's not required to exhibit any actual emotion. Hmmm... Claire Forlani's character falls in love with Joe Black because he's never had a peanut butter sandwich and has sex with him until she realizes that he's death, there to steal her father, Anthony Hopkins who is by far the best actor in this movie. As a consolation to her death lets Brad Pitt have his pre-car-mangled body back and of course she wants to be with him because they had one conversation in a coffee shop and of course, as any good time travel romance will tell you, if someone looks like your true love that means that it will be just like being in love with them all over again. All I can say is during the course of this movie I almost wished that I had been the one hit by a car.

4. Where the Truth Lies. I watched this movie because not only am I sucker for a good mystery, I'm a sucker for Colin Firth. Sigh. Okay, back to my bad review. This movie was atrocious. I kept waiting for it to get better or at least slightly less depraved and sexually disgusting but alas it never happened. And if I was going to be exposed to pointless, graphic sex at least it could have involved Colin Firth. Sigh.

5. The Piano. Some of you may remember that this Holly Hunter movie won three Oscars in 1993. I didn't understand why then and I have luckily never been forced to watch it a second time so I could catch the subtle nuances that caused the Oscar committee to find this thing worthy of not vomiting profusely let alone the presentation of awards. This movie had one of the most bizarre romances ever, punctuated by gratuitous leprechaun sex with Harvey Keitel. Harvey Keitel, people. Now that I'm done shuddering... He buys the mute chick's piano and tells her she can have it back if she gives him lessons which consist primary of creepy stalker like behavior on his part, like crawling under the piano while she's playing and sticking his finger into her socking. She apparently finds this strangely erotic, emphasis on strangely, and I found myself, not so strangely, disturbed at their behavior.

6. The Ring. This movie is directed by Gore Verbinski who also directed the Pirates movies which I also have mixed feelings about. But that's another blog. I saw this movie under duress anyway so it's probably not a huge shock that I didn't like it. But the ring video that they all watch before dying is so stupidly college film major like that at no point could I ever imagine feeling frightened by it. Also I am confounded by the relationship between the main character and the little boy. Apparently he's her son but they don't act as though they have any kind of even remotely warm, let alone familial relationship. The video causes death via some psycho sleep adverse little girl named Samara Morgan and they chase down the family to get the 411 and save people lives but frankly I think they should have just shown the video on CNN or something and poor Samara would be so busy trying to kill every would be political pundit in the world and she wouldn't have time to go off innocent little boys. Or make anymore really stupid home videos.

7. Any movie ever shown on Lifetime. Okay, I admit this isn't a movie, per say but I think it would be safe to those all these masterpieces together under one tent of stupidity. Any movie they put out has a formula that involves cataloging every traumatic and horrifying event that ever actually happened to another human being. I've always been slightly confounded by the term, "Television for Women." I always thought it would be more appropriately called, "Television for women who enjoy watching other women get victimized." But I guess that just isn't as catchy.

8. Wing Commander. This movie was bad in ways the defy explanation. Luckily Mike and I saw it on a date and during a movie theater viewing which meant that no one was there but theater employees and their guests so we could talk all we wanted. It turns out turning this junker into an impromptu episode of MST3K is the only thing that makes it bearable. For one, apparently every one in space has a French accent. And also they like to wear chef hats. Matthew Lillard, who I honestly think is great, plays a fellow space pilot to the star, He's All That, Freddie Prinz, Jr. Lillard's random love affair with a fellow pilot adds nothing to the plot and when she predictably bites it he pulls a Titanic and proclaims his undying love for her after a relationship of less than 36 hours. Nothing in this movie, including a cast of fun little teenage boys, can redeem this one.

9. Step-Mom. I saw this piece of...work on my first date with Mike. It was the only movie that we and the other couple had all never seen. Too bad I can't continue to say that's the truth. Although Susan Sarandon's pot smoking Mom-droid is semi amusing mostly this movie is just designed to blackmail me emotionally by trying to pull all the strings they think women will respond to. Maybe it's my like of estrogen from the PCOS but I really hate it when movies try to that. Although it does provide another venue for the ubiquitous movie song, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" because Heaven knows we can't get through another Hollywood tearjerker without someone wiggling their bits and pieces to that little ditty.

10. The Haunting. I watched this because it was a remake of the 1960's movie The Haunting of Hill House which I've always found incredibly frightening. But I should have just stuck to the black and white original which was frightening because of how much mystery remained behind the haunting. In this moving way too much info is given and the special effects are ridiculous. Although who doesn't appreciate watching someone get decapitated by a fire place every once in awhile? I mean, honestly.

11. Rose Red. I admit to not being a huge fan of Stephen King movies but this mini-series takes the cake. The big towering red one. A group psychics are led to a haunted house to participate in an experiment headed by Nancy Travis, who I can not look at without thinking, "Harriet, sweet Harriet. Hard hearted harbinger of haggis." But that's really not the thing that chaffed my hide about this one. Aside from the first half being almost fatally boring, at some point I'm sure my heart actually stopped beating for a moment, Kimberly J. Brown's portrayal of a powerfully psychic autistic is terrifyingly bad. Half the time her behavior borders on perfectly normal and the other half of the time she acts like she's mentally retarded but at no point does she act autistic. She should have watched some videos on the neurologically atypical behavior she hoped to portray before letting it go to film. This movie was another three or four hours that I'll never get back. And as the mother of an autistic child I actually found it somewhat offensive.

12. Mike's Martial Arts Movies. This is another one that's admittedly not a single title. However I like to lump them under the same completely pointless umbrella. I don't understand how a man with an IQ of over 180 can sit around and watch people using fake martial arts moves to beat each other up in slow motion. With a dubbed over English soundtrack and a plot that almost always completely confounds me, I always regret being made to watch these little wonders. The things one does for love.

13. Silent Hill. I have to admit that there are certain things about this movie that I found fascinating but overall the finished product made me want to stab the director, Christophe Gans, in the eye with an ice pick. Maybe I'm just not sophisticated enough but I felt like I watched this movie for two hours and it never freaking went anywhere. There was no real answers that made sense to me, there was no resolution and there was no relief from the nightmare that was Silent Hill.


I hope I haven't offended anyone and I'm sure there are many more movies that are worse and deserve to be on this list. But I probably haven't watched them and if I did I probably blocked it out out of self preservation. Happy Thursday!!

Amber